IS JOY BEHAR REALLY A CLOSET LESBIAN?

            "I think I'll have two."

LOVE IS IN THE AIR...

But you'd have a hard time knowing it based on conservative-hater and talk show maven Joy Behar's recent vitriolic attacks aimed squarely at the right's prettiest and most popular ladies. 

Behar's well-documented disdain for Republican women has become very public and very poisonous lately, but could there be more to it than what appears on the surface -- namely, that she's not just another talent-challenged, snarky left-wing beeatch?

Behar, 68, is one of Barabara Walter's leftist crones on ABC's "The View" and hosts her own self-titled, viewer-deprived talk show on CNN's sister network HLN. 

Whether she's whooping it up with fellow hater Whoopi Goldberg or going solo on her cable show, Behar knows how to put the "diss" in disgusting when it comes to bagging on the right's fairer-sexed, fabulous foursome: Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Christine O'Donnell and Michelle Malkin.

But as we all know, looks can be deceiving, especially when it comes to an unapologetic deceiver like Behar.

Question: Could Behar actually be masking something darker that underlies her surface snarkiness?  

In a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology in 1996, three scientists, led by Henry Adams, concluded that "homophobia is apparently associated with homosexual arousal that the homophobic individual is either unaware of or denies".  

In Adam's six-page report, that covers unpronounceable testing devices such as penile plethysmography, he and his colleagues determined that subjects being exposed (pun intended) to homosexual stimuli caused negative and sometimes aggressive behavior in the ones who were homophobes. However, when they measured sexual arousal simultaneously, the scientists concluded that the negative, oft-aggressive homophobes also displayed much higher levels of sexual arousal. Really.

Let's summarize, shall we?

To put it in human-speak, what the egg-heads determined was that "heterosexuals" who displayed negative and aggressive behavior toward those of the same sex were oftentimes just actually queer for the other guy's gear, so to speak.

Voila!

But does that really mean Behar could secretly have her liquor (Licker? I don't even know her!) license when it comes to her closeted feelings for Palin, Bachmann, O'Donnell and Malkin?

To answer that question objectively, we'll need to lay out a more compelling case by digging a little deeper. 

Shovel, please.

On "The Joy Behar Show" with guest Ann Coulter:

Coulter: [Sarah Palin] got bigger audiences than Obama.

Behar: Well, she's prettier.

Coulter: She's more coherent.

Behar: Ann, I like you, but the woman is not coherent. She can't construct a sentence. Nobody understands what she's talking about.

In a snarkfest with Sandra Bernhard:

Bernhard: [People who bought Palin's book Going Rogue] like to look at pictures. There's only one on the cover, but they like to look at that picture.

Behar: [Palin] never makes sense. Maybe her and Glenn Beck on the same ticket [in 2012]. Down the toilet. It would be great for the Democrats.

On "The View":

Behar: Why not [John McCain] pick a woman who really has a background that could step in, in case what's-his-name, McCain, has a heart attack? You cannot trade one vagina for another vagina?

On "The Joy Behar Show" with guest Joe McGinniss, Author/creepy Palin neighbor: 

McGinniss: It's probably a lesson for the American people of the power Palin has to incite hatred and her willingness and readiness to do it. She has pushed a button and unleashed the hounds of hell, and now they're out there slobbering and barking and growling. And that's the same kind of tactic -- and I'm not calling her a Nazi -- but that's the same kind of tactic the Nazi troopers used in Germany in the 30's, and I don't think there's any place for it in America.

 Behar: Okay, now [Palin] says in response, "When I say all right, leave my kids alone, it simply means that... How that equates me with the Nazis is quite beyond me." Okay, she's not, he really didn't equate her with the Nazis. He's saying a tactic very Nazi-like.

 Lizz Winstead ("Daily Show"): Well, I just think any time you know...

Behar: Which is, which is what? Which is unleashing the wrath of the Palinites out there on this guy?

Winstead: Yes.

Behar: That's where the Nazi tactic comes in because when she says they are attacking or being a threat to my children, all of these little Palinites go berserk.

Winstead: Over the edge. You know what? I just find it boring. Now here's the thing that I think is the biggest problem with Palin, is that why didn't Bravo find her two weeks before McCain did, and we could just had the real housewives --

Behar: I know, we have to blame him.

Winstead: -- of Alaska and have it begun because she is exactly like that crazy woman on the Housewives of New Jersey.

Behar: Yes! The other thing is that, isn't she the one who put her kids in the spotlight in the first place? I mean they... at the convention, when they were passing that kid (Trig) out more than a joint at a Grateful Dead concert. 

On Palin's endorsement of Christine O'Donnell:

Behar: But isn't it interesting that Sarah Palin backs her up? And, if I recall, wasn't Sarah exorcised in Alaska by a preacher one time? She believes in exorcism. These two are into it together. Talk about a coven. This is a coven! 

On "The Joy Behar Show" with guest Kathy Griffin: 

Behar: But, first of all, what about Michelle Bachman? She's a piece of work, that one.

Griffin: Oh, I know, she's one of the big crazies.

Behar: What happened with her? I mean, give me a break. She makes Sarah Palin look like a brain trust.

Griffin: Look like a genius.

Behar: Yeah. 

On "The View" with co-host Whoopi Goldberg:

Goldberg: Bachmann. I asked a question, my question is, is it wrong to start baiting? I don't, I, however you feel about the other candidates is not my, my question. But is it okay for someone to start attacking your beliefs in your country because you don't agree with their views? That's the question that I was posing.

Behar: Well, she's getting hers this time. She'll be thrown out of Congress. 

A sneering Behar also crassly accused Ms. Bachmann of being "against children". Michelle Bachmann and her husband have raised five of their own children, as well as a staggering twenty-three Foster children.

On "The Joy Behar Show" with guest Judge Karen Mills ("Judge Karen's Court"):

Mills-Francis: Yeah, but [Christine O'Donnell] is a real train wreck, and the reason why she said that is, I mean, have you looked at this woman's resume? She was a whore by her own admission. She was an alcoholic. She owed her college $5000 for ten years -- they had to sue her. The IRS levied an $11,000 tax lien against her. I mean, do I need to go on?

Behar: Keep going! 

On "The View": 

Behar: I think it shows how crazy [O'Donnell] is, doesn't it? How many crazy people do we have to have in office? Well, here's a girl who says that, you know, she didn't masturbate -- she doesn't believe in masturbating either. And she wants to make public policy about other people's sex lives. She's a witch who doesn't masturbate, who has never had premarital sex. Why is she running for office? [O'Donnell] needs to watch some porn and get some tips, is what she needs.

On "The Joy Behar Show":

Behar: The Republican candidates are a bunch of pussies. And that Michelle Malkin is a selfish bitch, probably. What a tool. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it is quite clear from the empirical evidence presented above, that Joy-less Behar obviously has latent homosexual desires for Palin, Bachmann, O'Donnell and Malkin.  Why, with all that talk of pretty witches and self-pleasuring, isn't it plain as the wart on Behar's nose that her lava-like spews are nothing more than undeniable, sweet amore? 

And who can blame her, really? I've always felt, myself, I was a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.

Or as Billy Shakespeare so presciently penned of Behar in Hamlet centuries ago, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Just sayin'.